The person you've been talking to for three months — the one who seems to understand you completely, sends good morning messages every day, and calls you by a special nickname — may not exist.
Romance scams are among the most emotionally and financially devastating fraud types, and they're growing rapidly. Unlike other scams that rely on panic or urgency, romance scams exploit genuine human connection — which makes them particularly effective and particularly painful to confront.
How romance scams work
Modern romance scams follow a sophisticated playbook, often run by organised criminal networks operating from fraud "factories" in Southeast Asia.
*Phase 1 — Initial contact:* You receive a message via social media, WhatsApp, a dating app, or even a "wrong number" text. The person is friendly, well-presented (using stolen photos of attractive, successful-looking individuals), and quickly shows deep interest in you as a person.
*Phase 2 — Relationship building:* Over weeks or months, the scammer invests heavily in building rapport. They are attentive, interested, supportive. They share detailed backstories about their lives, careers (often a professional working overseas), and families. They express growing romantic feelings.
*Phase 3 — The ask:* Once emotional connection is established, either: (a) A "crisis" emerges requiring immediate financial help — medical emergency, travel crisis, customs fees, business problem, or family emergency (b) They introduce a "great investment opportunity" — typically cryptocurrency trading — that has been making them excellent returns, and offer to help you invest too
*Phase 4 — Escalation:* If (a), they need more money as the crises compound. If (b), you start with small amounts that generate impressive returns (which are fake), and are encouraged to invest more and more. When you try to withdraw your profits, there are fees, taxes, or verification requirements — more money to pay.
*Phase 5 — Disappearance:* When the scammer has taken as much as possible, they disappear entirely, and the "investment platform" becomes inaccessible.
The "pig butchering" combination
The romance-to-investment combination is known as "pig butchering" (sha zhu pan in Mandarin) — referring to fattening a pig before slaughter. It is now one of the most financially devastating scam types globally, with average individual losses often exceeding $50,000-$200,000.
Who is targeted?
Romance scams target people of all ages, genders, and financial situations. Victims include: - Older adults who are recently widowed or divorced and are lonely - Professionals in their 30s-50s with significant savings or property equity - People going through life transitions who are emotionally vulnerable - Technology-comfortable individuals who trust online relationships
Warning signs
Key red flags that you may be in a romance scam: - They can never meet in person or video call (there's always an excuse) - Their life story involves a profession that keeps them away (military, offshore oil rig, international business) - They express deep feelings very quickly - They ask for money for any reason, however compelling - They introduce investment opportunities with exceptional returns - The profile photos look professionally shot or unnaturally perfect (reverse image search them) - They become distressed or withdrawn if you push back or question them
What to do
If you believe you or someone you know is in a romance scam: - Stop sending money immediately - Talk to a trusted family member or friend — scammers specifically try to isolate victims from support networks - Report to Netsafe (0508 638 723) - Report to NZ Police (105) if money was sent - Contact your bank to attempt a payment recall if a transfer was recent - Contact IDCARE if personal information was shared
Most importantly: do not feel ashamed. These criminals are professionals. The emotional investment is real, even if the person wasn't.